(photo unrelated)

, originally uploaded by thealphafemale.

you were never a cockroach when i thought it was smart
and now i’m the opposite of love
no
you are
apathy.

sometimes it feels as if
i’m never, ever going to stop this
how do you live with it?

(i look for scars. i find similarities. WHAT AM I DOING? don’t you people know? who i am? termite woman. i eat through your walls and your hearts and come out the other side.)

hunger is voracious
to keep me warm
i eat
everything i find.

validation one day
and mild despair the next.

sorry.
yes.
sorry.
i…
yeah.
i’m sorry.

repeat the repeat.

storms and fevers

storms and fevers, originally uploaded by thealphafemale.

and i did feel like coming
but i also felt like crying and it
doesn’t seem so worth it right now.

littlered

littlered, originally uploaded by thealphafemale.

drift (rain sculpture)

drift (rain sculpture), originally uploaded by thealphafemale.

all these discarded (or lost)
objects
thrown together in a slam
of nature’s obvious metaphor.
it’s ironic, clearly.

they all fit, so perfectly.
a muddled, jigsaw
and i am there just to hold and
capture the smash (crush/heartbreak/clingingtogetherimaginingyoureknowingyourebeingpulledapart)

breathe in.
oh
oh
oh my guts.

oh my eyelids
oh your singular freckles
oh my collarbones
oh our humidity

suppress a million arms
they cannot remember the old mistakes
you are not a being of any people
you
are
(grabbingholdingtouchingcloserclosercloser)

breathe in.

empty space

empty space, originally uploaded by thealphafemale.

without this,
plastic constellations
imagined in my 10 year old friend’s bedroom
move despite my protests
around me
around you, in a way.

in the hollow room
i am cold and content
smooth, consistent, even
these are the feelings
these are the reasons.

(or was it all a small mistake? i always read into everything far more than it meant.)

i am
glowing
the same temperature as the day
and spine brimming like the cup
i’m drinking
the sun
the music in my photo
the lens on my lens

and for once
it’s not because hislipsherlipsonmylips
orbodies
or
whatever.

there’s a bounce in my step and it’s all
all
ALL
me.

fashion teaser (fashion is danger)

fashion teaser (fashion is danger), originally uploaded by thealphafemale.

on my day off., originally uploaded by thealphafemale.

here’s something

i sleep with that book i have

sometimes

it’s yours.

sorry.

i’m sorry i didn’t give it back.

it’s stealing, technically.

there are pieces of you everywhere i cannot give away.

i am often kind when i talk of you.

i am not capable of destruction.

i am not a monster.

i am just a girl.

noone ever buys me flowers.

noone ever buys me flowers., originally uploaded by thealphafemale.

let’s all just write
and fuck
and dance
and wipe our tears away
with fast car air.

on the way to pancakes.

on the way to pancakes., originally uploaded by thealphafemale.