on my day off., originally uploaded by thealphafemale.

here’s something

i sleep with that book i have

sometimes

it’s yours.

sorry.

i’m sorry i didn’t give it back.

it’s stealing, technically.

there are pieces of you everywhere i cannot give away.

i am often kind when i talk of you.

i am not capable of destruction.

i am not a monster.

i am just a girl.

noone ever buys me flowers.

noone ever buys me flowers., originally uploaded by thealphafemale.

let’s all just write
and fuck
and dance
and wipe our tears away
with fast car air.

on the way to pancakes.

on the way to pancakes., originally uploaded by thealphafemale.

that can’t be it.

no.

i…

i’m not a drawn out comma in someone’s life.

you can’t just

delete me.

 

….

 

 

i still care.

i’m not dealing with this well.

last night i dreamt i was the murderer and i knew it all along
and everyone was asking me if i knew who it was
i wanted to scream
IT WAS ME
IT WAS ME
I’M SORRY.

but you know.
it’s too late when someone’s missing a limb.

safely, safely.

safely, safely., originally uploaded by thealphafemale.

, originally uploaded by thealphafemale.

let me do it for you, darling.

let me do the muting, muffling hands to face

and sing the song on repeat 

it nestled in my dirty sheets.

 

this drags behind me

a skin tag

that i adore

i rub it like a bruise.

She steps a soaked samba, stamps memories out in puddles, huddles lover, after little dances.

 

These are my raindances for you, imaginary other, future cover, boy-umbrella, wherever you are these soaked limbs, legs and other parts grounded in gutters and leaving love letters for you. They are for you.

 

I have nothing of myself to give to me. I put on scented moisturizer and keep myself mostly fed. This is enough.

 

My hair dye dribbles like a head wound down my back. My mascara runs and tears of blush nibble my lips. I am rinsing back to clean and blank. Little points are revealing themselves over time, pressing into the mattress. A tango of ivory, war-step against ratio of skinandbone – these are the strange thoughts you left me with. Solo sleeping, I leave the door open so ghosts of the past can walk through it as they please (as I wish).

 

But this, this current dance is for you. I give it to the clouds and they give me a kind of gravity (sanity). Stick my clothes with thunder, see my lies (please see my lies), karma is smashing me with storms and I need to see you, I need to see some sun.

standing fan

standing fan, originally uploaded by thealphafemale.

my favourite shot of the new 35mm holga roll. about to get some more BW developed. hopefully this one works.