blam.

well, gosh. that felt good.

feet in forests
and our breath in the dark
broken chords stumble
and i eat tree bark
lover i need you
lover i care
clean beer bottles
and midnight messy hair.

crucible tech is totally draining and i only just found the green room wifi.

i am ups and downs – extreme security then extreme anxiety. i bought a massage thismorning to attempt to deal with this. bach flower remedy + camomile tea. ignoring photography for a while – complete acting focus (ficus).

inspired by antichrist by lars von trier (always inspired by lars von trier). needing new shoes for opening, and new jeans for life.

dancing to a soundtrack of where the wild things are, which is entirely appropriate for this show – mashed with gossip girl trash.

breathing low.

holding onto someone at night, and trying not to weigh them down (but a kiss goodbye at 4am is a lovely thing).

mary

mary, originally uploaded by thealphafemale.

i’ve connected a new internet provider
i’ve bought more film, and developed two rolls
i’m making strong decisions (today I am a wolf)
i have an empty house waiting for travelling posessions
i have ownership to decide, two ways
i have a level of solidarity which i love/need/despise
i have lists and lists.

help
she cries out to the bare stage
help.

my legs
my talking
they don’t work on you
you pick up my heart and i can’t see.

a sea song.

did you feel our chests fit together?
for me it was some sort of fantastic confirmation
of the action: PUT DOWN THE PHONE.
i see little wings on the back of your sneakers
you speak in blinks (your eyes need speakers)
don’t have anchors in your mind
do not sit ship here
i know what i become, dear.
(my boat is little but i will be fine)
here’s a secret:
(my tongue is bit but i can never keep it
a compulsion in the ocean
words surf out my mouth like
residue)
i know the wind is about to pick up
i sort of feel it coming like
dogs barking before a storm.
(in the sea – i am important because i am the only one i know of. trust me – there’s no-where i’d rather be than your arms.)

my god
my god
look at the crack in her voice
she tilts her head sideways and that’s how i show you
and trust trust me
if my tongue worked better that would be
the moment i’d be what you wanted
and don’t taker her over the line
because she’s an eyeliner breadbake fistycuffs broken
little sideswipe little yapyap little toofar
do you understand yet
i’ll speak louder
she thinks and no sound comes out
her talking is like whispering and her shouting is passive
like old people and like heartbeats
she looks like liza minelli and she’s got the heart
of herself.

is this close to having a nervous breakdown.
and she needs to be louder
and she needs to be more confident
and that’s a feat
when her friends don’t stick by her
and her voice sticks in her throat
and she dreams of overdosing
and slabs of meat that are her future self.

mel

mel, originally uploaded by thealphafemale.